Ok, first let me start by saying that this post is gonna be really long. I've divided this post into three portions

Let's get started.

1) O LEVELS

O LEVEL RESULTS ARE OUUUTTTT! WOOHOOOOOOO~!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I guess this is coming out kinda late since it's been days since the release, but who cares? I'm still feeling hyper from the moment I got my results...haha. Not that I did super well, but man, there was just so much emotion when we got the results. Conggrats to Eugene for topping the school! 7 points sia. wooo~! Conggrats to Hafeez, Farhan and Raghuram for bagging 8 points. Conggrats to Adib and Shiffa for totally improving their L1R5s. Conggrats to Shahrizal for getting a FREAKIN' A2 for Com humans without even finishing the paper! (the solat hajat really worked eh? u g2 thank me for tt! haha :p). AHH, there's so many ppl to conggratulate! In fact that's why I'm feeling so hyper, there was just so much happiness around.

I went around asking ppl abt their scores. It was simply amazing! Adib improved his L1R5 frm 49 to 16. If you think about it, that's actually kinda impressive, almost as impressive as getting 0 points for O's (6 points minus 6 bonus and so on)! Wen Jie was so happy when he got his results that he jumped/climbed on the nearest person around, apparently it was Navin. I yelled at a lot of people that day, or actually more like we were yelling at one another 'cause we were overflowing with happiness. There was one time me and Raghuram were just shouting at each other's faces, literally it went like "AAAHHHHH.....AAAAAHHH.....AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!", well you can imagine!

To sum it up, a lot of ppl improved dramatically. Personally, I was a mixture of happy and disappointed, though on the whole it was more happy. I'm pleased with my grades, but not so much my L1R5. Here they are:-

EL B3
EMath A1
AMath B3
Sci (Phy/Chem) A1
ML B3
Literature B3
Com Humans(SS/Geog) C5

L1R5=14
L1R5 with total bonus pts=12
L1R4=11

That's four B3s, 2 A1s and a C5. Ughh...that's a lot of B3s. Thinking back, I regret not putting in enough effort, some of the B3s could've been A's...oh well, 14's not too bad. I'm kinda happy actually that I got B3 for literature, especially because I didn't read EITHER OF THE BOOKS! Neither did Adib along with so many other ppl hu couldn't care less about lit! And the best part is, we passed! B3 BABEH! WOOHOOOO~! As how Wen Jie would put it, "Fierce ah!" lolz..

I was really hoping for at least an A2 for A Maths, but got a B3 instead. In the end, lit kinda made up for tt I guess. B3 in EL's not bad. As for ML and Com humans, asking for better grades might be asking for too much :s

There's a whole bunch of ppl who did well for O's, and some taking different subjects than me. Seeing the POA kids getting A's made me feel a bit bad at first, but I thought about it. I'm going to JC and I need A Maths a whole lot more than POA. In that case, I wouldn't wanna trade even a failure in A Maths for an A1 in POA! Haha. No offence to the POA ppl. Anyway, I guess anyone going into accounting after the O's would have a vice-versa view on this.

Alright, I'm done talking about the O's here. The next portion of this entry will deal with my behaviour in the band.

2) MY BEHAVIOUR

This is for my band. I remember how emotionally disturbed I was during the dunman days and I think I should explain myself for being so emo. Doing so wasn't being supportive of the band, and I know it's not nice to jam with a depressed sucker who plays guitar not for passion, but because he has to.

I was trying to deal with this personal problem I had that was difficult to solve (it's difficult to describe what the problem was, 'cause it's a mixture of emotions and situation). Being an objective person, I usually go full force when it comes to difficulties. To be honest, I 've never went through anything as emotionally complicated as what I went through then. Usually, I'm pretty good at solving my own problems, but I was dealing with something almost totally new, and I had to struggle inside before I could fully understand (and in some cases accept) and deal with the reality of the situation I was in.

In that struggle, I grew depressed. My change was horrible. It all started some time in sec 3, that's when my life started going downhill. This might be hard to believe, but me feeling sadder and sadder was actually something subconscious. It was only in the later part of the year in sec 3 when I gave myself a reality check-life wasn't as fun as it used to be. The first thing I realised about myself was that I wasn't witty anymore. I had a knack for joking with others (or teasing others), and at a certain point in time I was SUDDENLY unable to do so. I felt like I was a really boring person. It went from that, to not being able to even talk to other people. That's right, I turned from a noisy disruptive pupil into a quiet, depressed and always-quietly-thinking kinda person. What actually happened was that I grew quiet and boring in trying to solve this problem of mine.

The sadness stretched and grew, slowly from something small in sec 3 to a major depression in sec 4. Quite a few good friends of mine told me that I looked horrible (check out the irony in that statement...lol). What I mean is that the way I carried myself was really bad, it was obvious that I was a sad person. You could tell from my posture, the look I had on my face and so on. Even Mdm Rohana (my sec 3 and 4 lit teacher) was worried about my change. The scariest part was that I couldn't control the growing moodiness. Like I said earlier, it was somehow subconscious.

It happened because I was thinking so damn hard about the problem that I forgot almost everything else about myself, including my what-used-to-be-cheerful character.

I'm not trying to brag here, about how difficult it was for me, but I'm trying to describe how stupidly helpless I was/felt. I think the state I was in was pathetic. Nevertheless, I had to go through it.

It was only around some time in June 2006 that I finally decided that I had to stop myself from growing mad. I hated the ridiculous state I was in, and it was a really diffficult process for me to reach from depressed idiot to where I am now. In June, I decided to stop thinking about everything that had to do with that problem and get back on track, especially with my studies (O level year sia...haha). My depression also caused me to feel unsociable. Not anti-social where a person hates interacting with others, but unsociable. UNABLE to SOCIALISE. Honestly, I was so boring that I started to fear talking to most ppl, for fear that I had nothing to say. And I didn't blame them if I did! It was as if I lost my character, completely nothing inside. I was really LAME.

I remember on one occasion Wen Jie called out to me and made fun of me. I wanted to tease him back but I was quite surprised at what came out of my mouth...GRUNTING NOISES! (I bet you're smacking ur forehead right now :p) So yes, grunting noises were my lousy attempt to get back at him. I know it's stupid. I remember my thoughts at that moment exactly, they were "OMG. Why can't I say anything? What the heck is wrong with me?" Just then, Wen Jie asked me to relax and asked me if I was ok. I was really shocked that I wasn't even able to make freakin' words come out of my mouth. I think he was also kinda surprised at that weird response I gave him...

I had a hard time in 4E from around that period onwards. I lost quite a no. of friends. I lost their respect. I tried really hard to talk to some of them (who used to be ok with me), later they decided they didn't like (and some hated) me and made fun of me most of the time. Trust me, at that time, having a conversation with me was almost impossible. It's because I was lame. Life sucked. At the same time, it's kind of funny coz I dun blame them. They didn't understand what I was going through, what caused me to act weird. Anyway even I hated my own behaviour most of the time. If I could clone myself, the cloned Imran would probably be joining them in teasing me too.

BTW, Wen Jie wasn't one of these ppl who gave me a hard time. In fact, he was one of the most supportive ppl I could trust.

I think what further agitated the people who disliked me was the kind of response I gave towards them. I learnt that when a person gets depressed, there is a stage where he loses his character. Completely. In my case, I lost my patience too (aside from my character). My responses were quite aggressive towards any negative comment about me, even in jest. This was my last resort, my alternative to giving people a witty comeback. If not, I couldn't say anything. I found ppl telling me to chill most of the time, and I didn't realise that I sounded angry until they said so. This aggressive-comeback side of me mostly applies to the people who didn't like me anymore.

My character was also the reason why I stopped talking to people, regrettably. I think this is kinda obvious with regards to my friends from 4C. Not that I didn't want to, but I tried, and I couldn't. It was useless. The truth was that I needed time to build my character, to learn to be myself again, and I could only do these things with my closest of friends. They were the only ppl hu could interact with me. It took loads of time for me to become socially acceptable.

Anyway, life got better slowly and I eventually handled the problem. The effort towards becoming "normal again" paid off. I've done my soul-searching and am pretty much myself again. In fact, sometimes I'm sooo happy that I scare myself :s Who knew it's possible? lolz, it's just great man. It really feels good to be happy after being in a depressed state, thinking about how u're gonna tackle a problem all the time. It's like you actually feel a burden being lifted from the inside...haha. I guess we all have our problems and experiance such things. Even the friends who didn't like me initially accepted me eventually, in one way or another. I got my respect back.

Looking back, I feel like I wasted (the last) 2 years of my life in dunman. I wasted time thinking about that stupid problem I had. I should have had fun like any other normal kid. That way, the memories would have been more pleasant instead of painful. Nevertheless, I guess I had to get the crap in my life over and done with. Now life is great. I promise every jamming session will not have an unwilling guitarist, as was before.

3) VALENTINE'S DAY

I actually took out this section of the post because I realised that it was WAY too long. I wonder if anyone will actually read it in the first place, I've already typed so much...lolz. It's some commentary on girls that I made, I was too lazy to expand it and edit it, so I'll end the blog right here.

I asked Hafiz if he could jam today, said tt he had to wait for his siblings to reach home around 4, then he was going out with his friends. Or did he say friend? I WONDER WHO AH? lolz...just kidding. I'm pretty sure I heard the s in friends. Later I msged Zulraihan who reminded me that today was Valentine's. I totally forgot man, missed my chance to disturb Hafiz...haha

Today's my last day of freedom. It's back to MI tomorrow. Also happens to be SOMEONE's birthday...hehe

I didn't know Hafiz was gay. Muahahahaha