Neonixehertz.

18.11.09

Hey.
Its been ages.
February to..November. How long is that?
Lazy to count..haha.
i never thought i'd be typing here again.
don't know why i'm here anyway.
"Zul, i know you like to keep things to yourself. You don't like to trouble others. But try to find a way to let those feelings out once in awhile, be it writing a diary or whatsoever. If not, you'll just be putting yourself through unncessary pain. You always help your classmates to feel better when they're down and thats what you tell them, right? So you know these things better. i know you're strong but even the strongest people need to open up sometimes.."
Thats what my teacher said to me 4 years ago..its because i'm somewhat more willing to listen and help others.

When i see them happy, i'll be happy too.Thanks for the compliments, 'cher. haha..
i know i put myself through alot of UNnecessary pain and shit..but its somehow a way for me to feel that i'm still a stable working system although being a dysfunction. And some of the shit i put myself through, i would say they were necessary at that point of time. But even so, i won't write everything down here..or anywhere. Haha.

Am i still me?
Am i still myself?
Am i still the same?
i've always wanted to change for the better.
But these changes are REALLY opening my eyes.
Just when i thought that the turning point of my life at 14 basically shapes myself for who i am today..there would be more to come. Never would i guess its something major or drastic. Changes come in any way and every way. It is up to us to open up to them and accept it or not. It really feels like i'm becoming someone else. Is this what they call 'growing up'? i have no idea..i've never grew up in the first place.

Things happened.
Many things happened.
Too many things happened.
Too many things had happened to be updated here.

First of all, i'd like to say i'm a much more happy person than what i was last time. Realised that i've been down there for too long and i got sick of it. i've always believed in making life better for everyone. No point in staying there without making any effort. So i fought back to pick myself up and now, i feel much better and more lively..In other words, i'm a happier motherfucker lah. Thanks to me being a jap freak in the earlier part of the year..lazy to explain about that..haha.

Next, Lufthansa Technical Training or better known as LTT.
7 months of hell over and done with.

And i passed the exam! WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!
ALHAMDULILLAH! THANK YOU ALLAH! =D
And basically because of that, i'm on cloud 9.
By the time i'm typing this, its been 2 weeks since the results were out.
But i'm still on cloud 9 and i can't get down. (=
Out of LTT. Like a release from a prison i didn't knew i was in.

In the 7 months of LTT, i've cut all my ties with TP and Engine since i know i was gonna be occupied with all those Aerospace shit and stuff. i intended to return someday though..when i'm done with LTT. But when i came back, i felt so lost. i didn't even feel like a part of TP or Engine anymore. Almost all the oldbirds that i know and used to hang out with have graduated and all i see are new people and new faces. LTT started during April Week 0..so, i missed my chance of getting to know the new people. Heart pain sia see everyone happy2 cheer2 like mad people while i already started school. Heart pain heart pain..really pain. Not only did i missed my chance to meet and make new friends, i also missed the opportunity to go through week 0 with the oldbirds as well. It was their last week 0 as a TP student. Not only April week 0 didn't get to go..October week 0 also cannot go. Why? LTT haven't finish. While people have 2 months of holidays, we're still schooling and only have a week of rest before the October semester starts. Nice huh? Dammit dammit..

So sad i wasn't able to be there for them. i only know that the next turn..is mine. But the thought just stops there.Coming back as a normal TP student, i can finally wear 'civilian clothes' again..haha.

Wah shit, so many new ppl. i dont know them. Not to mention they dont even hear about me before..but thats bcz i prefer to be low profile. So much for being an oldbird. Mampus, sekarang aku pun dah jadi oldbird. Baik ah,thanks for reminding that i'm old. Wah dammit, 3.2 already. LAST semester.i thought that there's still so much time before yr 3 comes..i didnt really appreciate or treasure those great moments in tp. But i have to say, things were looking pretty bad at times and thats why i didnt really appreciate/treasure or even think about it much. But now i've realised alot of things and i want to appreciate and treasure every moment left in tp. i really regret for not doing so seriously and sincerely in the past years but whats the point of regretting now? No use if regret but never do anything about it. Alot went through my mind to make me realise these things but i've gone through them and lazy to write here. Its all at the back of my mind.

Just thinking about it..all camps and events i went to..
From the time i was pre-freshie/freshie up till now..
TPRawks 06.
FOC '07 - Kaistor.
Week 0 April '07.
TPRawks 07.
OTC '07 - Phantos.
FOW/C '08 - Phantos.
Week 0 April '08.
Engine Essential Ones (EEO) Camp.
Week 0 October '08.
Ashrae Storm 2 Camp.
OTC/W '08 - Zetten.
FOW/C '09 - Zetten.
Ashrae Ghastly Encounters Camp.
Beyond Boundaries Halloween Camp.
SME 'Facebook' Camp.

Okay i dont know what else to write.
This post became too long that i took days to type it and i have already forgotten what i actually wanted to say.
Nvm..

All the best and good luck to Hafiz and his group for MP judging..
All the best and good luck to those retaking the LTT exam..
Then hopefully, can jam..

Posted By Zul at 3:27 AM

i cant sleep
not able to sleep
keep thinking about you
no idea why of all people, you are the one
when i give it the 'just forget about it' mentality, you keep appearing in my mind
there's just something thats telling me to go on
i like you for who you are
some ask if the person is good-looking
i tell them..when you like someone, they will look the best no matter what
but of course the person is good-looking
altho i may not know you well
i want to know you better
to even feel this way, i had to deal with alot of shit within myself
its rather more to giving myself a chance
but i am totally aware of who i am
i'm not rich, i'm not charismatic, or whatever
all i have to offer is this pathetic honest and sincere heart
no wonder they told me i'm a loser

Blood will follow blood..

Posted By Zul at 3:06 AM

2.2.09

This..
This feeling..
This unnamed feeling..
Happens too many countless times..
Start to feel that the feeling's a part of you..
Making you realise who you really are..
As we keep falling further down..
Further down..
Gone..

What i felt
What i known
Never shine through in what i've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What i felt
What i known
Never shine through in what i've shown
Never free
Never me
So i dub thee unforgiven..

Posted By Zul at 1:09 AM

11.1.09

Hey,
First of all..
Happy New Year.
Yeah i know its late.
11 days late.

Imran's NS huh?
Hafiz should be busy.
As for me, Aerospace is real busy.
But its just starting anyway.

OTCW '08.
i still think its a bad idea having a workshop on the first day cos there's not enough time. Anyway, being a GL again. New empire; Zetten. Honestly, definitely my best empire so far. The people are great, cool and chill. What more can you ask for? i have no complains about Zetten. i've been through this with Phantos..but let me just say it. i seriously dont care if i'm well known in the empire or not because what matters to me is the friendship that i make and share with each and every single person in Zetten and i know what kind of GL i am; the things i do and the way i work. i dont usually go out straight, unless when needed, because i want to allow other people to lead, allow them to seize and make full use opportunities and get the experience that they need. Or maybe its also due to me prefering to be low-profile. i prefer to do behind-the-scenes stuff and if ever the empire's in a down mood, i'll be really glad to be one of the people to keep encouraging the empire not to give up and carry on. i love Zetten, i really do.
So yeah, thats for Zetten. (=

Anyway,
After a fucking long 11 months, finally i got it. Class 3 License, woohoo! Missed out the first 2-4 months after enrolling, thats why it took 11 months. 18 points, lucky fuck. Kena sabo twice..how? Was kinda disappointed at first but like what everyone said..dont give a damn since you already got it and thats the most important thing and i realise how true it is in just a split second. Haha! Its really something i want really bad for a very long time so yeah, thanks to all the instructors, thanks dad for sponsoring, thanks haziq for letting me drive your car and finally,
Thank you very much Allah. (=

There's something that i wanted to say but i forgot.
Not really feeling well.
Thats it i guess.

Don't ask me where i'm headed or heading to..
All i can say is..
To a better life not only for me,
But for everyone else as well..

Posted By Zul at 8:50 PM

13.12.08

i'm outlaw of torn..
And i'm torn.

Posted By Zul at 9:06 AM

5.12.08

Been some time.

Realised something
The night that caused it all
Was just the other night
Its been a long and rough journey
Yet everything feels so fast
Really fast
If only we saw it coming
Would things be different?
Will we be willing to make some changes?
But is there any point in trying again?
When i'm the only one who thinks that way
While the rest thinks that its totally hopeless
i guess there's almost nothing that can be done
Just to make things better
Just to make things better
i really hope
i'm not the one who's thinking this way
or ever thought about it
Am i just guilty of not cherishing/treasuring things when they are still around or..
Not able to move on?
i may have not treasured some things but i want to change, at least before i die
i am able to move on. But if we did, is this how things are going to end?

Only time will tell.
Tell what?
Yes or No.
That's all.

Anyway,
Been super busy.
Ph7 really reminds me of alot of things.
There's reasons why i was who i was.
But if you are happy now, who am i to voice out.
All i can honestly say is that i am happy for you people.
Last but not least,
Good luck for term test to everyone. (:

Just a song i found..

SR-71 - Goodbye

i'm everything you know
You wonder friend or foe
i'm the burning in your throat when you swallow
But you spit me out
Your stomach full of doubt
And you're faking every word out of your mouth
But you won't let go
It's all about control
Understand i'm born to lead you will follow
i don't wanna stay
i'm running away
Don't you hear me when i say

Goodbye
So long
Nice try
i'm gone
You don't like being second
i don't like being wrong
i won't forget the way you made me feel
i won't regret running away from here
So i'll say goodbye again

Now it's there to see
You've forgotten me
Ever since i was the prince among the theives
So you hold me down
Strip away my crown
Can't contain me knowing all the truth i found
Always thinking small
Helping me to fall
Now you're jealousy and hate consumes us all
i don't wanna stay
i'm running away
Don't you hear me when i say

Goodbye
So long
Nice try
i'm gone
You don't like being second
i don't like being wrong
i won't forget the way you made me feel
i won't regret running away from here
You think you see the world
Well you see nothing
Time is only gonna make it worse in the end
So i'll say goodbye again

So hit me with you fears
i don't fit with your ideas
You missed what i'm about
i earned my way out
And in the end
i'll say goodbye again

i won't forget the way you made me feel
i won't regret running away from here

Goodbye..
So long..
Nice try..
i'm gone..

i really am hoping it would not be this way..
But looks like its really becoming real.
Am i really becoming some sort of a dysfunction?

Posted By Zul at 5:19 AM

27.11.08

Things kinda been blurry
Everything's so fast
Time zooms
Imran been asking to jam
But been super busy
i believe its the same for Hafiz

i need to study
i need to wake up
i need to be willing to change
i need to get rid of my laziness
i need to realise that i'm in year 2.2
i need to realise that i'm in A.E option
i need to realise that it was something that i've been fighting for all along this while..how can i ever doubt for a moment about my choice to get here. i'm where i wanted to be and how can i ever complain/rant for a moment about the things i have to go through. It may somehow seem that more effort and sacrifises need to be made to get through this semester..but hey, no pain, no gain. Its where i wanted to be and now that i'm here, its not the end of the road. Its only the beginning. Now that i'm here, its time to carry on the fight. Now i realised what this is all about..and i'm gonna go for it. (=
BUT,MOST importantly..
i need to...
sleep.
Haha.

And maybe if you're reading this,
You can teach me how to sleep.
Yes YOU!
YOU know who you are.
Haha! (=

Posted By Zul at 11:41 PM